Garys Detecting.co.uk
Fun Stuff
The moon song...safe for  older kids

Here are some male / female jokes..enjoy

If you see your wife running around the garden bleeding and confused- DONT PANIC!!
calm down take a deep breath, re load aim and shoot again !!!!!

Paddy was trying to complete a jigsaw puzzle and asked his friend Bill if he could he lend a hand as there was over 3000 pieces, it was very very difficult "It is sopposed to be a Tiger" he said.
 Bill just sighed and said "Just put the f~~king Frosties back in the box"

It has just been announced that president Bush broke down and fell to his knees when he was told 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq, he looked up with teary eyes and asked his aide "is a Brazilian more than a million ?"

Job Application
Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a people person,  Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.  My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

 
Employer's response:......
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check

Male blond joke !!
A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING
FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,
SWEATING AND PANTING.
"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS: "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.
 HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS
 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN
 YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"
THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH,
THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.
"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B ," SAYS THE HUSBAND: "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

WIVES
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know,
I was a fool when I married you."
The wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied.

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,
"Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? Sympathy?"

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for
whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of
what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once
 

Cheers Mark for these little gems

Thanks Gerry for sending in these 'one liners'

A girl phoned me the other day and said ...."Come on over,
there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came
off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat
kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She
told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid
who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we
could... But he pulled through."

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness - after I was
born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll
ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can
hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how
big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with
me?" he said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleepingpills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest

More jokes

Scientists have just discovered a cake which causes women to loose 90% of their sex drive....

Its called a WEDDING CAKE !!!

Farmer says to his wife"If you had bigger breasts we could get rid of the cow"

Farmers wife answers"If you had a bigger D##K we could get rid of the tractor driver"!

What do you call an aardvark which has just been beaten up....A Vark

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, here are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.

Any help on this matter would be most gratefully received.